


And It's Alright. It's Okay

by Midori__99



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff, Healing, I love ChanSoo too much, Kyungsoo is a cinnamon roll, M/M, Producer Park Chanyeol, Sad with a Happy Ending, Song Based
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-02
Updated: 2019-07-02
Packaged: 2020-06-02 23:58:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19452178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Midori__99/pseuds/Midori__99
Summary: Chanyeol realises that he is lucky. Because Kyungsoo is the kindest person in the entire world. And also because Kyungsoo was the only one who would even think of writing him a song to comfort him even while they were taking a break from each other.





	And It's Alright. It's Okay

**Author's Note:**

> This was written to heal myself a little. I hope it heals others apart from me too  
> it's haphazard and rather disjointed since i wrote it more to channel the sadness in me but i still hope you guys like it as much as it had given me relief.

Chanyeol groaned a little as he moved the last box up the stairs. He’d been shifting his stuff the whole day without help and his back hurt like vengeance. He couldn’t wait to throw himself on his bed and sleep for the rest of the day. But there was still a lot of work left. He sighed.

As the last box hit the ground with a muffled thump on its temporary assigned spot, Chanyeol cracked his neck and stood looking around his new home. It was a small, very minimal apartment with only the living room, one bedroom and the kitchen but it was comfortable. Nevertheless Chanyeol felt an emptiness eating away at him. This didn’t yet feel like home, not like how his previous house had. It lacked the worn but comfortable grey sofas and the bookshelves stacked with music books and novels. It lacked the nearly permanent place by the TV where his trusty guitar always stood. It lacked the varieties of kitchen equipment, most of whose names Chanyeol didn’t even know. But it especially lacked the warm smile and twinkling astigmatic eyes that was what actually made him feel like he was home.

Chanyeol had broken up with Kyungsoo, his long-term boyfriend. Well, perhaps it wasn’t exactly a “break-up”. More like, they had both wanted some space. They were both full time working adults who lived in the same house but couldn’t spare a moment for each other. Things had turned a little cold and distant for the both of them and all they ever did was get frustrated and fight with each other. Kyungsoo was the first one to decide that he needed a break from dating, and Chanyeol, never being one to refuse his boyfriend, ended up agreeing. But needless to say, Chanyeol was also hurt. Hence, he moved out. Because he couldn’t stand seeing Kyungsoo every day and be reminded that he had possibly lost the man he loved. Moving out made the temporary break-up feel more permanent however.

Shaking his head to dispel such thoughts, Chanyeol set about arranging whatever minimalistic furniture and belongings he had brought with himself. He worked diligently until the house was scrubbed clean and the rickety secondhand couch and bed set up and made usable. His guitar sat on its stand and the small rack he had grabbed along the way now held a few of his music books and the odd manga as well as novels here and there. His kitchen contained only the most necessary of utensils and equipment. By the time he was completely done, the sun had already disappeared and the stars filled the velvety night sky.

Utterly tired but satisfied, Chanyeol moved into the kitchen to make himself some really simple dinner of plain white rice and an easy broth. Kyungsoo would never let him hear the end of it if he had ramyeon alone for dinner. It was only when he set about to cook that he noticed something he hadn’t paid attention to earlier while he was cleaning. At the very corner of the kitchen counter, there was a small potted cactus. It was drooping and a little too pale due to the lack of water but still very much alive. Chanyeol was surprised but still gingerly picked up the pot with the plant and examined it.

Kyungsoo loved gardening. But since they lived in a bit too urban an area which didn’t offer much space for proper gardening, he took to rearing ornamental plants like cacti and bonsai that didn’t need much looking after. Chanyeol remembered how fond Kyungsoo was of his cacti collection and a wave of strong emotions overwhelmed him. He put the pot back down and went to drop down on his bed, foregoing dinner altogether.

The next day, he set about unpacking the rest of his stuff which included his musical odds and ends, clothes and some more books. Decidedly all smaller stuff but Chanyeol wanted to get done as soon as possible. He had to go back to work the next day after all. While he was unpacking his hundreds of music CDs, he came across one at the very bottom of the small carton that he didn’t recognize as his. The cover was plain white with a handmade sketch of a cartoon man. Wonderingly Chanyeol picked it up and turned it around to check for any details. There were only two lines written but it still made Chanyeol feel a myriad of feelings that not even his most favorite song could provoke.

_“To Chanyeol. From Kyungsoo.”_

Without a word, Chanyeol opened the case to see a simple CD inside without any decorations. There was also a note inside, neatly folded and sporting Chanyeol’s initials on its side. Typical Kyungsoo. He picked up the note and unfolded it.

“ _Chanyeol,”_ it said. _“Firstly, please forgive me but I used your music equipment to do this. A friend played the guitar. If you’re reading this then we’ve probably drifted already. After this there is no knowing which conclusion we reach but whatever may happen I want this to reach you. I hope this song may prove to be a semblance of comfort in any way to you. Thank you for everything. And I know I don’t say this enough but I love you, I really do.”_

The words began to blur as Chanyeol felt the tears he had held back all this days finally spill and he wiped them off hastily before a single drop fell on either the note or the CD. There was a terrible ache in his chest as emotions after emotions assaulted him. Anguish. Guilt. Bitterness. He felt them all. But he willed himself to calm down and put the CD in his small portable stereo. Almost immediately his most favorite voice in the whole world rang out accompanied by the peaceful melodic strains of the guitar. Chanyeol felt his eyes sliding closed as he just listened and drank in Kyungsoo’s honey voice, swaying a little from side to side to the rhythm.

That day Chanyeol sought out the drooping cactus and watered it for the first time. He watched the glistening water droplets on its thorns with a smile as he thought of Kyungsoo naming his first ever cactus after Chanyeol himself.

_A feeling of being overwhelmed by the many feelings. How to hide the heart that has been used for a while. Where am I going, I just ran in front of you. I am afraid to turn around and talk back to you._

Chanyeol began work once again from the next day. His work place was much farther away than before so he could no longer walk to work like he used to. While driving, he put in Kyungsoo’s CD in the car stereo player and listened to the song once again. He was a little grateful for the distance because it let him listen to the full song from beginning to end before he reached his work place.

The song was a little bittersweet but extremely soothing, and so totally Kyungsoo. Simple guitar and vocals. But what struck Chanyeol the most were the lyrics. It was always lyrics. Kyungsoo was amazing at those while Chanyeol mostly composed more. Unlike most songs that followed too cliché a pattern, this song made no false promises about anything yet still held a promise that everything would eventually find the answer it needs. Chanyeol smiled as he repeated the words Kyungsoo sang in his head, wondering how he even managed to write such stuff. Even after all the years of being together Kyungsoo never failed to amaze him.

_Sometimes I cry, sometimes I laugh. Looking forward, feeling pain. Hearts fluttering once again, then feelings dull. Just go the way your heart goes._

Every day the first thing Chanyeol did after waking up was to water the cactus. It was already starting to look a lot healthier than the first time he had seen it. It gave him joy to think he was helping a living thing that was close to dying come back to life. He now understood better why Kyungsoo found so much joy in gardening. Chanyeol began thinking that Kyungsoo was perhaps the kindest person the world had ever had the privilege to have and he was even luckier to have had him for a lover.

As he listened to the song for perhaps the fiftieth time, he started realizing that he was also similar to the cactus. Kyungsoo had nurtured him, helped him and patiently watched him grow out of all the insecurities and the crippling inferiority-complex he once upon a time suffered from. Life had never been a bed of roses for Chanyeol. Being a bully victim back from his school days, Chanyeol had developed an attitude that he wasn’t good enough for anyone or anything and people didn’t really like him. It often made him question his own friends and if they actually wanted to be friends with him or not.

It was Kyungsoo who had pulled him out with unconditional kindness and reassurance. He always remembered to assure Chanyeol that he stayed with him because he loved him for real, that Chanyeol was worth loving and had a lot of amazing qualities that others didn’t have. It took a good many years but he did grow more confident and surer of himself with all of Kyungsoo’s support. Chanyeol could easily say that the person he was currently was all thanks to Kyungsoo.

Perhaps by being apart Chanyeol’s love seemed to grow even stronger.

_Just like how countless stars did, always in the same place, shine brightly on your own, don’t hide yourself; will you show me yourself, comfortably? Just as yourself, it’s okay to be okay._

Chanyeol was a known workaholic. He would put up unhealthy hours in their production office, trying to take up more workload than anyone else so much so that their boss had to personally come up to him and tell him to stop. He even worked during his off-days at home, writing and composing new music and basically never giving himself a break. It was one of the reasons why he and Kyungsoo had drifted. He realized now just how damaging it was for both himself as well as his relationship with Kyungsoo.

He decided to lessen his tendency to overwork and actually took a break during his next off-days that was long due. He made himself coffee in the way he liked and took up a book to read. He hadn’t read in a long time and he missed it. He was admittedly a bit of a nerd because of which several of his friends used to make fun of him back in university. He’d first clicked with Kyungsoo back then due to their similar love for books and music and then their friendship went on to blossom into something much more permanent and meaningful.

Chanyeol sat by the window with his cup of coffee and a copy of one of his favorite classics, The Little Prince. The healthy cactus also sat on the window together with him. He was a bit of a sucker for fantasy and soft wholesome fiction, even if it meant reading some works that others judged to be for younger readers. Kyungsoo had never judged him for that, though he did tease him good-naturedly at times. Chanyeol realized all over again just how good Kyungsoo was for him.

Getting lost in thoughts he stared out of the window and noticed the woman in the path outside walking her dog. It was a frisky beagle, happy and energetic and Chanyeol found himself automatically smiling as he looked at it playing around. The beagle seemed to also notice him and ran to his window, tail wagging and tongue hanging out in happiness. Chanyeol immediately grinned, lifting a hand to wave but then the owner called out for it and the beagle obediently went back to her.

It dampened his mood a little and he sighed, pulling away from the window and just trying to concentrate on his reading. Chanyeol felt a familiar emptiness and realized that he was lonely. It was almost two whole weeks now being apart from Kyungsoo as well as almost any other human contact and Chanyeol craved meaningful company. His heart ached as he thought of the good old days when they were less busy and he and Kyungsoo would spend long hours jamming to music together or baking, or just basking in silence in each other’s company. He missed Kyungsoo terribly and wanted to just go back to how they were. But he held himself back. The very first day he had listened to Kyungsoo’s song he had decided he would wait and respect whatever decision Kyungsoo came to. He had hope though, that they would get back again.

_Beautiful things are always precious if you stay for a while even farther apart. Every day, eyes of the heart to fill the routine, let the loneliness in it stay for a while. Just look at the soft breeze blow, a day to open your heart._

When Chanyeol felt the loneliness a little bit too hard to bear and missed Kyungsoo more than usual, he booted up his computer and listened to the countless covers of western songs that he and Kyungsoo had recorded over time. He smiled and reminisced, almost finding himself back to that time as he listened to the smile in Kyungsoo’s voice as he sang while he himself played the guitar or the piano in accompaniment. Sometimes in the recordings one of them would make a mistake and both of them would burst out laughing, disrupting the flow but still continuing to record.

On running out of recordings to listen to, Chanyeol turned to browse through the pictures he had saved his phone or in his computer itself. Memories were beautiful things, Chanyeol realized and he promised himself to never take them for granted again. He also made a private vow to make many more beautiful memories with Kyungsoo when they got back again.

_Two hands that are filled with memories, our precious stories. If you’re able to remember that heart filled with sincerity after time passes, can you say it, that you were once happy too?_

Two weeks had passed, the third week had begun and Kyungsoo didn’t call Chanyeol even once. Yet Chanyeol found himself hoping and hoping, never letting his heart sway in the negative direction. He couldn’t deny that he was scared; he definitely was. Chanyeol knew that his whole being was set on Kyungsoo. He didn’t want to be with anyone else. He didn’t even know if he would ever be able to love anyone as deeply as he loved Kyungsoo. He had no idea how he would be able to take it if Kyungsoo didn’t want the same thing as he did.

But Chanyeol also knew not to doubt Kyungsoo. He knew for a fact that the other was also one of the most thoughtful and matured people he had ever met. If Kyungsoo took a decision, it would be after a lot of careful contemplation and Chanyeol trusted him more than he did himself. And also, even if Kyungsoo wasn’t the most vocal of people, he truly did love Chanyeol. It was something Chanyeol never doubted.

And so Chanyeol waited and never lost hope.

_Like so many stars always on the same place, I shine brightly in my own light; I won’t hide it and I’m going to show you, you’re just as you are and it’s alright. It’s okay._

It was on the Monday of the fourth week. Chanyeol went to work after watering the cactus as usual. The tiny plant had begun sprouting pretty yellow flowers and Chanyeol felt strangely excited and happy about being able to see the simple yet meaningful show of beauty. He returned from work that day with a lighter mood and a spring in his step, feeling like he could anticipate for good things to happen.

As he stopped outside his house at his usual spot, he noticed the other car parked just there. His heart skipped a beat when he recognized it and he rushed out, trying to match his footsteps to the rhythm that was overtaking his chest. As he ran to the front door, he saw Kyungsoo standing just there, dressed in his usual attire consisting of only dark colours and fidgeting a little. He still wore the same big glasses and pursued his lips in the same way he always did when he felt nervous. He hadn’t changed in the slightest bit.

Kyungsoo’s head snapped up as soon as he heard Chanyeol’s footsteps and he offered a tentative smile that still bloomed into the heart shape that Chanyeol loved so much.

“Hi,” he said softly and Chanyeol was overwhelmed with a myriad of feelings that made him unable to respond. Kyungsoo looked uncomfortable at Chanyeol’s silence and he pressed the back of his own ear – the nervous habit that Chanyeol was so familiar with. “I….um I’m sorry, I came unannounced I just….”

He stopped and bit his lip. Chanyeol said nothing as he took a few tentative steps towards him. He waited for Kyungsoo to be comfortable enough to speak again.

“I missed you, Chanyeol. I can’t…..without you, I want to….”

Chanyeol didn’t allow him to continue as he enveloped him into a tight hug and held him close.

“I was waiting,” he whispered, trying to mask the fact his voice was shaking and he was close to tears. “Let’s go back, Kyungsoo. I missed you too.”

Kyungsoo didn’t reply, but lifted his own arms and hugged Chanyeol back. He buried his face in his chest and Chanyeol realized that Kyungsoo was shaking too. “I’m sorry. I really am.”

“Don’t. I never was angry at you,” Chanyeol shushed him as he pulled away to look at his lover. “Let’s go home.”

Eyes shining with unshed tears, Kyungsoo smiled and merely nodded his head. As they held hands and walked together side by side to the front door, Chanyeol made another promise to himself to not make the same mistakes once again. He wanted to hold on fast to Kyungsoo and never let go. He wanted to make things more permanent and wondered how exactly Kyungsoo would like to be proposed to.

As he turned to look at Kyungsoo beside him, holding onto his hand tightly and wearing the softest happiest smile, he thought of the flowering cactus on his window sill and smiled himself.

They had made it. Things were okay and they were just going to get better.

_An unspeakable concern, a deeply scarred spot. It’s always the same. I’ll wash it off like it’s always been, if that’s okay, if that’s okay with you._

**_fin_ **

**Author's Note:**

> I know i shouldn't have written a fic while i already had a ongoing one and i really am sorry for it. but Kyungsoo's enlistment was harder for me than i had expected. i thought i had prepared myself well enough but apparently not so. i wasn't being able to write my other fic because something was eating away at my heart and i really needed an outlet and hence this.  
> Kyungsoo means a lot to me, and i mean a lot. this will be a long hard wait and i'm sure i'm not the only one. let's support each other as always. i love you, Eris. let's be strong together until our Soo returns.  
> P.S: I'm honestly adopting a cactus to look after as i wait for Soo.


End file.
